Distorted Eating

More often than not I struggle to find words to begin a new blog post; unless of course they're something like "I made the best cake ever!", or "New raw desserts in Sydney" etc... With such statements as those it's not difficult to begin and the ball just rolls on it's own accord. But when wanting to write about something a little more meaningful I always find it tough to start. Ironic kinda, as here is an entire paragraph already!

So I wanted to put my fingers to the keyboard mainly so my own sake, so I can get a feel for and sort-of map out where I wanna go from here.

As a nutritionist-in-training with a background in vegetarian, vegan, and raw live foods, I've always continued to up-grade my diet. It's like a hobby to me; I enjoy trying new things, seeing how my body responds, tweaking things along the way, all in an effort to feel, BE, and look my best. But in addition to these healthy habits of mine, comes a darker side and a history tainted with eating disorders.
I've come to notice that it doesn't seem all that unfamiliar in the raw food world either - to have a past with an eating disorder. Perhaps because in a distorted way a lot of us were initially striving for the best food our body could get, but in the process we got a little lost. Or maybe it's because on raw foods the restriction of every other food group is so severe, it's an easy excuse not to have to eat breads, pastas, meats, cheeses, dairy, cakes, biscuits, chocolates, rice... and everything else. There are possibly some people out there that fall into the latter, but my intuition tells me that if that's the case, they are few and far between. I think raw living foods for anyone with an eating disorder history is a blessing, for more reasons than I care to mention here.

So why all this talk about eating disorders? 

I've been very much in the head of my eating disorder lately. That might sound strange and a little hard to grasp for some, so let me explain a bit first.
Some people recover from an eating disorder. Some don't. And some might have to learn how to manage it if it hasn't completely left them, but they are wanting a better life. I'm in the third category. I learnt this years ago and have been doing my absolute best to manage my ED, much to my success. Until recently.

Everything in my life seemed to be crumbling around me, according to my over-reactive self that needs to have everything a particular way most of the time. I'm not being too harsh on myself here, neither am I being too easy. It's been a tough few months. And I began to notice that in a bid to regain some control when I felt like nothing was in my control; I turned to my food. And began controlling that. I had a crazy thought that if I could lose a few kilo's then everything would feel better (even tho a small voice in me was trying to yell "BULLSHIT!! IT NEVER WORKED BEFORE!!") But that's how I used to cope. Controlling my food and food intake felt really good as a teenager coz I got the result I wanted. And I felt in control. Calmer. But it's a vicious cycle as with trying to gain control through calorie restricting, one always ends up over-eating due to initial starvation, and then comes guilt, then restriction, then over-eating... the story goes on. So in an attempt to try and gain control, we only spiral further away from it. Go figure.

This week gone I felt like I was stuck in 2 places - one where I wanted to continue what I was trying to achieve by calorie restriction and not tell anyone because they would think I was stupid for wanting to lose weight as I don't need too... and the second place was me wanting to eat proper food and feel amazing again! That second voice was the real me. But as my head went from one to the other and back again within the space of minutes, it was very hard to decide whether or not I actually wanted to call a friend... Ok I do. No, no I don't anymore, I want to stay here and try to eat nothing. But I want to be vibrant and energetic... No I want to be skinny again, don't let anyone know!!

I was beating myself up because I felt like a failure for not following through with my restrictive plans, but feeling like more of a failure for not knowing how to help myself! Then thoughts of "How am I to help other people if I cant help myself??" The thoughts kept on coming. And all negative of course.
When I felt enough courage and strength within to ask my partner for help we began talking. He asked me "why can everybody else fail, but Christie can't?" And then told me to stop thinking about other people coz unless I sort myself out, I'll never be able to help anyone else.
We spoke for a while as I really needed to hear the cold hard facts and truth about what I need to eat because my brain was not functioning, I couldn't think, I felt like a little girl again needing someone to feed me because I couldn't make the decisions of what to eat for myself. I made a vow to myself that the following morning was going to be different.

That was this morning. I didn't get up at 5am for the gym, instead I slept in til 730am then went for a walk/run before coming home to stretch and make a big banana bowl. It was the first decent sized meal I'd had in a week. For the rest of today I ate green grapes and figs, keeping it really simple, and dinner was zucchini pasta with a tomato-capsicum-nectarine-garlic-chilli sauce, and chard greens ripped up and thrown in!
My head feels so much better. I feel like I'm alive again. Functioning. Thinking straight. Smiling :)
Sitting here with tea and a few dates :) And all this has happened since breakfast. That's the beauty of raw foods. They are what they are and they will only do amazing things to our bodies, spirit, and souls.

So from here I want to continue this. I kinda feel like I'm back at square one. Getting fuel to my brain. Supplying nutrients to my cells. Fuel for my training. When I first went raw I was eating truckloads of fruit, and felt AMAZING! I wasn't interested in the gourmet-raw at all, and think I got into it when I first had problems in my relationship. Emotional eating I suppose, I don't really remember. Always a sweets fan though, I did enjoy the raw treats I made and bought. And I still do. But for now I'm just going to stick to fruit, greens and soft veggies. If I want a treat (let's say I manage to sneak a Saturday off work and duck over to Taylor Square Markets for the best raw desserts in Sydney...) I'll have one. But leave it at one. And have them rarely. I know how easily my body can become addicted to cacao as delicious as it is, it's not something I need to be eating everyday. I know it works wonders for some people, and as a transition food it's fantastic, but for my body right now, use sparingly! The same goes with nuts, oils and fats.

It's actually been quite interesting the past 24hrs how my body and my brain have responded to what I have decided to begin doing. I was planning another 3weeks on a diet consisting of 2 pieces of fruit a day, 2-4 cups of greens a day, 2 protein shakes... and with that I was drinking espressos! Now, let me explain... espresso, espresso, espresso... oooh I love how the word just rolls off the tongue! It is such a tough one for me, I'm not gonna lie. I've gone loooooooooong periods without it very easily. But I wasn't a barista for 8yrs just to earn money. And I didn't travel around  and live in Italy to meet a sexy bronzed man. I love coffee! Good coffee - I love the culture around it, I love the smell of it, you name it! But it's got to be amazing coffee or I wont touch it. Anyway... even though my love for it is so strong, I notice that I'll drink it day after day when I'm in a self-sabotage mood. How does that work? I don't know. Coz when I'm happy as larry, loving life, loving me, and feel like a coffee, I'll have one also! It's no biggie for me and I don't think "omg it's not raw" I couldn't care less and figure if I'm loving it that much in that moment, it couldn't possibly be doing me any harm. I'd sit and love every teeny sip of my espresso. Get a high and be one my way. And might have another one 3-4 months later... I'm getting off topic here... where was I... Yes! Planning my 3week restriction, which was to be followed by a week long juice fast, and then another month long cleanse. My god Christie!

But like I said, I've been very interested today in seeing how once I spoke to my partner last night (who knows me better than anyone, knows how to push my buttons, as well as reignite my flames that have been burnt out), and made the decision to stop being stupid, my body fell into place. It knew where it wanted to go. It was my head that got in the way. An all to common theme with me it seems. Head stuff = easy. Heart stuff = hard. And that's ok. I'm not perfect (although I have spent years trying to get there). My body was waiting patiently in the wings until my head came to it's senses, and reunited with my body. And my body knows exactly what it wants. Fruit fruit fruit. Greens. And a few veggies. The odd avocado or coconut. More at different times of the year, but right now not so much.

I feel tonnes better than I did last night when I was balling my eyes out in a state of confusion, worry, fear and disconnect. Today I also moved all my gear out of my mums home where I've been staying, and into my grandmothers house where I will be living on my own from now on. I am very excited and feel it will be a big turning point for me. With a fridge all to myself, 5kg of grapes, 13kg of bananas, and then some... it's the perfect time!

Here's to tomorrow!!
xxx

Your Inner Sunshine

When today is not going well, it is tempting to focus on tomorrow as a blank slate with all the possibilities that newness provides. It is true that tomorrow will be a brand-new day, but we do not have to wait until tomorrow to start fresh. We can start fresh at any moment, clearing our energy field of any negativity that has accumulated, and call this very moment the beginning of our brand-new day.


There is something about the sunrise and the first few hours of the morning that make us feel cleansed and rejuvenated, ready to move forward enthusiastically. As the day wears on, we lose some of this dynamic energy and the inspiration it provides. This may be why we look forward to tomorrow as providing the possibility of renewal. Many traditions consider the light of the rising sun to be particularly divine in its origins; this is why so many people in the world face east when performing ritual. We too can cultivate that rising sun energy inside ourselves, carrying it with us to light our way through any time of day or night, drawing on its power to awaken and renew our spirits.

One simple way to do this is to carry an image or a photograph of the rising sun with us in our wallet or purse. We can also post this image on our wall at work or at home, or have it as our screensaver on our computer. When we feel the need to start fresh, we can take a moment to gaze at the image, allowing its light to enter into our hearts. As we do this, we might say out loud or quietly to ourselves, I am ready to let go of the past and start anew. We might visualize anything we want to release leaving us as we exhale, and as we inhale, we can take in the fresh energy of the eastern sun, allowing it to light the way to a brand-new day.


This drawing has been in my wallet for months. And it is My Inner Sunshine.

This was sent to me by the kind people at Daily Om. I get emails from them reguarly and LOVE the inspiration they give me.
I began writing something else for this post at 6am this morning whilst drinking my BIG GREEN JUICE, but deleted it all after reading what you've just read above. It sums up everything I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I wrote here not long ago about where I feel I am and some difficulties I've been having, and I suppose I'm still a little stuck in a few places. The words sent to my inbox were exactly what I needed. And I hope they mean something to all of you as well.

Self Love and Responsibility for Me

Sunday evening and I'm feeling a little off. Not bad. But not great. In a state of reflection I suppose.

It's been over a year since I first got into raw foods. But January 1st was when I took the BIG LEAP and threw myself in 100%. It's now August and I'm still over 95% raw - if I've wanted to eat a piece of mum's baked kumera or a mouthful of vegie curry I've done so.

I know that raw foods and a raw vegan diet is BEST for my body. I function BEST, I feel my best, I LOOK my best. I have more energy, I'm more at peace, I feel cleaner and clearer. But I don't always have the WILLPOWER to stick to raw every minute of everyday. Maintaining a 100% raw vegan diet is CHALLENGING; I know. I've been doing it. 95% of the time. But now I've decided I'm going the whole hog again.

Now I've had ACNE since I was in primary school - over 12years now. I've done the chemical creams, the organic creams, the light treatments, the elimination diets, the scrubs, colonics, saunas, the salt water, sunshine, supplements, pills, potions, lotions, you name it. My ACNE is still here. When I met Brock, who has been raw for over 4years, he thought that when I transitioned to a 100% raw diet my acne would clear up. I had hoped; it would have been the easy road out. No such luck.

Deep down I know my acne stems from self esteem issues. Emotions go up and down. My acne has been up and down. Better and worse. But always present. So coming from self esteem issues it doesn't surprise me why I've been so resistant to affirmations my whole life - there's a little gremlin still inside of me seld-sabotaging any of my good efforts to clear my skin.

But now I feel ready - if only a little bit more - to SPEED UP this process of mine.

So from today...

I'm going 100% raw again. And I mean 100%. Only fresh organic fruits and vegetables. Greens. Healthy avocado, seeds, nuts and oils. Seaweeds. Sprouts. Superfoods. Juices. Filtered water. My naturpoathic herbs that are already doing wonders. MSM which is INCREDIBLE for my nails, as well as my hair and skin. Zinc. And any other little things that pop up here and there... (working in a health food shop I'm always on the lookout for new things).

I've got my affirmations that I'm going to committ to saying out loud in the mirror every morning and every night. What's the worst thing that can happen? MY ACNE WILL CLEAR AND I WILL BE A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER AMAZING WOMAN THAT GLOWS FROM THE INSIDE OUT! Why is that so scary? Why am I afraid to be the very best I can be?

I'm ready to be responsible for my own life. Im ready to examine the consequences of every choice I make.

Smile. Laugh. Peace. Love. And mung beans.

Finding my path

In the past when I have been in two minds about something; anything, and then made a decision either way, the whole Universe seems to work it's magic and put it all in place. And so it has happened again.

Since my last post where I wrote about CLEANSING I put the thoughts out there that I wanted to get back to my cleansing, clean eating, detoxing, FABULOUS ME that I know lives inside :) And since then I've had the greatest two days ever!

Thursdays, as you'd know, are one of my favourite days of the week. It's MARKET DAY (which I've posted about here and here)!! And although I now work all day I do get to run up and eat my lunch with Brock and Tsung, and grab myself a few goodies for the week before I jet back to work.
I begin at 730am unloading the organic fruit and veg delivery at work with Brock, and then boxing up a bunch of orders, and finishing a few hours later. I had my BIG GREEN SMOOTHIE to keep me going and then a few more bananas (best fruit ever) later on before I was done and could take my lunch break.

The sun was shining. Instant Happiness :) The SUN has alot to do with my general wellbeing. I don't like to RELY on the sun for my moods, but I immensely FEEL the difference to such a degree that I truley believe SUNSHINE is my number #1, follwed by WATER then FOOD. My top 3 essentials. Sounds crazy some say, but I know it to be true. For me.

I ran into old customers of mine from the coffee shop I used to work at and they were delighted to see me - and I them :) A bunch of middle aged men who were always a laugh. Alot of FUN having a quick chin-wag before I ran off to the markets and to sit and enjoy my lunch. I sat in the sun (of course) munching away on my BIG KALE SALAD with pumpkin and broccoli. I bought some more kale for the week, and treated myself to one mighty (yet-to-be) delicious custard apple. Can't wait to sink my spoon into that one!

The rest of work was GREAT and pretty busy at the health food shop. I got to type out NUTRITIONAL INFORMATIONAL STATS for different fruits and vegies which I got SO much EXCITEMENT out of as it tested my knowledge as well as improved it when I got stuck and had to look a few things up (thanks Google). At the end of the day I got to take some BEAUTIFUL organic biodynamic skin care products home to try - so yummy - and I was PUMPED to get home into my gym gear for my favourite class of the week (that's me uber excited yet a little cold in my short shorts, doing the mirror-photo-trick).

I've had GREAT conversations with Brock (sadly not so many face to face as we're both so busy of late but LOVING where we're both heading), I've been reading a FANTASTIC book called "Cleanse and Purify Thyself" by Richard Anderson that I can't get enough of, I've been sucked into more new blogs I've found giving me INCREDIBLE inspiration, MOTIVATION, suggestions, recipes, SUPPORT, tips and LOVE.

And today, another GREEN SMOOTHIE start to the day, a quiet morning at work, beautiful SUNSHINE, big salad for dinner and now I'm munching on a few cacao beans as I watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. God love the man who's making a difference :)

Heirloom Tomatoes, Herb Gardens, Coaching and Ice Skating??

So I leave this BEAUTIFUL space where I have been house sitting tomorrow morning and I will be sad to leave :( I am looking forward to getting back into my own bed though and hanging out with my sister for a few days before mum gets back from her Yoga Intensive on Sunday.
Living out of home is something that I have done in the past and I know how much I LOVE it so these past 10 days have been GREAT and definatley a BOOST of energy in getting me outta home quicker again!


So the past few days have been JAM PACKED FULL of AMAZING experiences I've been dying to share with you guys.

On Saturday morning I had a dance party in the living room as all my fav tunes came on Rage it was AWESOME! Great way to start the day - of course followed my a big green juice :) And then I headed down to the Pyrmont Growers Markets with Dad and Gail. If you've never been before you don't know what you're missing out on. Held the first Saturday of every month by the water, there's loads of fresh fruit and vegies, meat, cheeses, chutneys, flowers, breads, TRUFFLES, oils, vinegars, pastas, teas, coffee, fresh juices, eggs, yoghurts, even wood fire pizza (and for some strange reason all the pics I took are no longer on my camera!)!!
The sun was out but the wind was chilly, and I came away with a HUGE bag of macadamia nuts still in their shells - which taste so incredibly different let me tell you mmm - and a big lot of HEIRLOOM TOMATOES. I'd never had them before and wanted to get some to try (and for pretty pictures on my blog). SO TASTY!


I later had a green tea at a cafe finishing an assignment for college then walked through Crows Nest which was buzzing with locals munching away on croissants in the bakery, chatting to friends over hot coffees, and reading the weekend paper, and got back home to make me some lunch. Starvin Marvin!

And with my brightly coloured HEIRLOOMS TOMATOES and some herbs from the garden, I whipped up a tasy big salad, donned my shorts and singlet for some winter backyard sunshine, got out my journal and sat there slowly, mindfully eating, writing, smiling, and being so very very greateful :)

The herb garden my uncle has in INCREDIBLE! Get a load of these pics...











Afternoon run, feeling great, then I'm out again for the Winter Wonderland Ice Skating outside St Mary's Cathedral. Brock, Tsung and I walked over the bridge from Kirribilli meeting a bunch of peeps in there, then we all skated for just under an hour in what was a beautiful backdrop. Everyone in high spirits (or just high on mulled wine I don't know) trying their best at something not alot of people do often. Having had an ice skating accident myself as a child, I was very cautious and a little scared to begin with, but my beautiful girlfriend Tam was just that - BEAUTIFUL - and held my hand the entire time so I could let go of the wall :)


Sunday morning I got my newspaper read in which I LOVE. Sitting by myself at a cafe sipping tea whilst Brock was working for an hour, I get Peace. Quiet. Stillness. The Sunday paper is ABSOLUTE INDULGENCE for me.

We opted for a lazy day in after that, made BANAPPLE JUICE SMOOTHIES for lunch and later watched a DVD under the doona with cups of green tea.


Then the evening was all mine to myself to put my feet up, slap a hydrating mask on, slice some heirlooms, add oil, parlsely and rocket from the garden, sit back and SMILE :)



Then Monday at work was GREAT (that's the view from my window in the office by the way) ! I had an appointment with a new coach after work which was also GREAT and I think I'll continue on with her. As a coach myself I feel it very beneficial to keep myself on track so I can best support my own clients. I'm EXCITED about where I'm heading, what my GOALS are, and WRITING them all down. The accountabilty of my coach I know will be the BIGGEST benefit to me.

And today... alot of cleaning and packing up to "move out" of my cousins place. Work at the health food shop was GREAT as usual. I met a really cool guy who's newly into RAW FOODS (along with a bunch of other things I'm also passionate about) so I hope to get to know him a bit more. I've thoroughly enjoyed the ABUNDANCE of BANANAS I currently have, and blissfully had 15 today :) Back from 2hrs at the gym, and now blogging to you guys!

I LOVE MY LIFE!! :)

I am Amazing.

So I'm home today with the intention to do some of my college work and (although the day is not yet over) I'm doing so well at procrastinating today let me tell you! And so, another post ;)

But it's a little different to my usual posts...

In reading Jason Mraz's blog that I LOVE, I got thinking about affirmations and all things SELF LOVE that I have been working on myself of late. And it has prompted me to start a list. A list of things I love about ME.

I love my blue eyes. I love my job. I love my mind. I love my anxiety. I love my perfectionism. I love my mum. I love my dad. I love my sisters. I love my step sisters. I love my step brothers. I love my book collection. I love my hot pink teddy bear. I love my mobile that doesn't always work. I love my man. I love my fingernails that I so rarely let grow. I love my strength.

I'm going to commit to saying at least one affirmation each morning and maybe one day I'll be just as good as little Jessica here:



Start your list. There's liberation once past the judgement and fear.

Market Day Yay!

This morning I was down at Crows Nest Markets again after a 7.15am staff meeting (I know!!) but I've always been a morning person so the half hour walk from Brocks place at 630am was BLISSFUL. I love seeing the world slowly wake up - birds singing, car head lights shining bright, the sky above a little frosty, and everything is pretty quiet... but bit by bit things start to emerge, awaken and SPRING to LIFE! And I LOVE IT!

Market Day has always been a highlight of my week. The energy there, everyone interacting, people getting into dancing, mingling, chatting to strangers... I met a woman this morning who has learnt and studied the ancient art of Ayruveda which is something I've been dying to learn more about, and after chatting for a while she offered me her time so I can learn more about it next week :) WOW

I get a BUZZ out of helping the boys out with the feminine touches (note the beautiful black board sign - done by yours truely), then 'loiterring' around I like to say, munching away on THE GREATEST TASTING BANANAS EVER (although I know I'm biased as they are the staple fruit in my diet), having friends stop by, and chatting to all the locals I know from years working in the area at different places!! Still it makes me laugh how alot of locals have no idea what I do. I'm a little here-there-and-everywhere and it's just the way I like it!

Market Massage anyone??

But of course I go down to stock up on my ORGANICS for the week - I LUGGED home BANANAS (cant live without them - and hopefully getting more later due to my little arms unable to carry the amount I can eat), navel oranges, apples, 2 big bunches of fennel, a huge bunch of Scottish kale which is FANTASTIC, the biggest custard apple I've ever seen, some sweet red crimson grapes, a couple of baby carrots and 2 ripe avocados. Mmm.


Check out the salad I made when I got home - Scottich kale, avocado, tumeric root, zucchini, celery leaves, pepita seeds, olive oil, lime juice and a touch of sea salt



Next Thursday I'm working though! Guess I'll see you there on my lunch break :D Happy munching

You are what you eat

This past week I was blessed by being able to attend 2 different lectures in the city both on health, wellbeing and particulary nutrition, which is my passion.
On Thursday I went and saw Don Tolman who is an author, public speaker, trainer, educator, entertainer and experimental nutritional-eating researcher and all about wholefoods. I hadnt really heard much about him before Brock asked if I wanted to go, but my closest friend Maya is a big fan so I thought OK I'll see what he's all about. And I'm so much more than glad I went along. Fascinating to listen too with a wealth of knowledge under his belt, I really resonated with alot of what he spoke about;

Your bodys' only purpose is to maintain life and health.

Noone can heal you - only your body can heal itself.

And then on the weekend I went and saw David Wolfe who I do know about, have his books, and love his work. To sum him up is impossible as the list of work, credentials, experience, travel and everything else he has done is AMAZING, but any raw foodie would know him as either the "avocado guy" or the "chocolate guy" - he won’t be shy to tell you why chocolate is the greatest, most prosperous, nutritious, mood-elevating, highest energizing, and top weight loss aphrodisiac food on the planet!

... by 'chocolate' I mean RAW, organic, unsweetened, vegan CACAO... a source of calcium, omega 3, zinc, iron, copper, sulphur, beta-carotene, protein, potassium and stree relieving magnesium - the reason women crave chocolate every month. Food of the Gods.

And I'm happy to hear it!!



Seeing him was INCREDIBLE! Just sitting in the university lecture hall where he was speaking, surrounded by 450+ like minded individuals, immersed in raw nutrition education, there was an energy in the room and I myself was buzzing!! That's my thing. My purpose. My BUZZ! It's what I live for!

He spoke about superfoods liks goji berries, cacao, noni, maca, mangosteen, bee pollen, MSM, avocados, spirulina... working with your strengths, eating raw foods, LIVING! I loved how he said "we've survived the worst... now it's time for the best". Forward movement. Get into LIVING! LIVING FOOD. LIVING BODIES.


YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT :)