I had a thought last week that kinda stopped me in my tracks. It was a complete Aha moment when I could very clearly see my own self sabotage in action.
It was in relation to a new fitness studio opening up in Cairns - the Xtend Barre that has opened in all major cities and only just getting up here. Ever since the first class I took in Sydney over 18 months ago, I've been hooked, and taken classes every trip I made into state, and even looked into opening a studio myself.
So auditions to teach take place in less than 2 weeks. And I would love to get the job. But in practicing, I was aware of thoughts in my head that were leading me to be O-K with if I didn't get the job. Now on one hand, that's cool. But when I was aware that I was actually having these thoughts from a place of self-sabotage, they were not cool.
How did I know the difference?
Because I know my pattern. And I saw it all before me last week.
Self Sabotage in action...
// I stopped playing piano in primary school 'coz I was "sick of it" - when I actually loved it and was very good at it. I only wanted to play classical piano, not the quick and easy stuff, but I couldn't voice that at the time. So i quit and didn't let myself play.
// I stopped learning bass guitar in high school when I had to go into hospital for an extended period of time - and never took it up again telling myself I was no longer good at it.
// In the 15yrs I played A-grade netball, I never once became an umpire - something I always wanted to do, but told myself I wouldn't be good at. And I believed that. When in actual fact, I know I would have been amazing... and gotten my umpiring ass to Nationals. Something I might still take up casually one day.
// There isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret having given up learning French (and Italian) as I speak, meet, and have guests stay with us from all over the world, who speak French (not to mention half my extended family).
// And who knows what I have and have not done in relation to my skin and the acne I have had for too long to remember now (15-18yrs)... Not eating properly, eating too much food, not enough food, negative thinking... And where has it got me?
From now on...
I was surprised but elated that I even noticed what was coming up for me around this theme last week. And since then;
>>> I have committed to trying out for the Xtend Barre position. I'm practicing daily if I can, otherwise close enough. If I get the position, BEST EVER! And if not, that's ok too even though that's not what I'm choosing. But I'm not making it o-k because I believe I'm not good enough... I'm choosing more.
>>> And I have also committed to myself, to watch my thoughts and actions around self sabotage in relation to my skin the most. This is what I am still struggling with and it is not changing for me. A daily coffee and a few pieces of sugar free dark chocolate may be ok in relation to health (depending on who you ask of course) but it might not be ok for my skin. And more often than not, the things we find hardest to give up are often what is creating or exacerbating whatever we may be trying to get to the bottom of... Hint Hint... Look first where you don't want to!
No more self sabotage. You and I are both gorgeous, beautiful beings here to make a difference to all those lives we touch. Are we going to do it if we keep knocking ourself back down? I think not.
I encourage you to have a look at where in your life you might be sabotaging your self - Is it really serving you? How long have you been doing it? Are you ready and willing to let it go? What can you put in place to support yourself with these new changes and decisions you are making for YOUrself?