Distorted Eating

More often than not I struggle to find words to begin a new blog post; unless of course they're something like "I made the best cake ever!", or "New raw desserts in Sydney" etc... With such statements as those it's not difficult to begin and the ball just rolls on it's own accord. But when wanting to write about something a little more meaningful I always find it tough to start. Ironic kinda, as here is an entire paragraph already!

So I wanted to put my fingers to the keyboard mainly so my own sake, so I can get a feel for and sort-of map out where I wanna go from here.

As a nutritionist-in-training with a background in vegetarian, vegan, and raw live foods, I've always continued to up-grade my diet. It's like a hobby to me; I enjoy trying new things, seeing how my body responds, tweaking things along the way, all in an effort to feel, BE, and look my best. But in addition to these healthy habits of mine, comes a darker side and a history tainted with eating disorders.
I've come to notice that it doesn't seem all that unfamiliar in the raw food world either - to have a past with an eating disorder. Perhaps because in a distorted way a lot of us were initially striving for the best food our body could get, but in the process we got a little lost. Or maybe it's because on raw foods the restriction of every other food group is so severe, it's an easy excuse not to have to eat breads, pastas, meats, cheeses, dairy, cakes, biscuits, chocolates, rice... and everything else. There are possibly some people out there that fall into the latter, but my intuition tells me that if that's the case, they are few and far between. I think raw living foods for anyone with an eating disorder history is a blessing, for more reasons than I care to mention here.

So why all this talk about eating disorders? 

I've been very much in the head of my eating disorder lately. That might sound strange and a little hard to grasp for some, so let me explain a bit first.
Some people recover from an eating disorder. Some don't. And some might have to learn how to manage it if it hasn't completely left them, but they are wanting a better life. I'm in the third category. I learnt this years ago and have been doing my absolute best to manage my ED, much to my success. Until recently.

Everything in my life seemed to be crumbling around me, according to my over-reactive self that needs to have everything a particular way most of the time. I'm not being too harsh on myself here, neither am I being too easy. It's been a tough few months. And I began to notice that in a bid to regain some control when I felt like nothing was in my control; I turned to my food. And began controlling that. I had a crazy thought that if I could lose a few kilo's then everything would feel better (even tho a small voice in me was trying to yell "BULLSHIT!! IT NEVER WORKED BEFORE!!") But that's how I used to cope. Controlling my food and food intake felt really good as a teenager coz I got the result I wanted. And I felt in control. Calmer. But it's a vicious cycle as with trying to gain control through calorie restricting, one always ends up over-eating due to initial starvation, and then comes guilt, then restriction, then over-eating... the story goes on. So in an attempt to try and gain control, we only spiral further away from it. Go figure.

This week gone I felt like I was stuck in 2 places - one where I wanted to continue what I was trying to achieve by calorie restriction and not tell anyone because they would think I was stupid for wanting to lose weight as I don't need too... and the second place was me wanting to eat proper food and feel amazing again! That second voice was the real me. But as my head went from one to the other and back again within the space of minutes, it was very hard to decide whether or not I actually wanted to call a friend... Ok I do. No, no I don't anymore, I want to stay here and try to eat nothing. But I want to be vibrant and energetic... No I want to be skinny again, don't let anyone know!!

I was beating myself up because I felt like a failure for not following through with my restrictive plans, but feeling like more of a failure for not knowing how to help myself! Then thoughts of "How am I to help other people if I cant help myself??" The thoughts kept on coming. And all negative of course.
When I felt enough courage and strength within to ask my partner for help we began talking. He asked me "why can everybody else fail, but Christie can't?" And then told me to stop thinking about other people coz unless I sort myself out, I'll never be able to help anyone else.
We spoke for a while as I really needed to hear the cold hard facts and truth about what I need to eat because my brain was not functioning, I couldn't think, I felt like a little girl again needing someone to feed me because I couldn't make the decisions of what to eat for myself. I made a vow to myself that the following morning was going to be different.

That was this morning. I didn't get up at 5am for the gym, instead I slept in til 730am then went for a walk/run before coming home to stretch and make a big banana bowl. It was the first decent sized meal I'd had in a week. For the rest of today I ate green grapes and figs, keeping it really simple, and dinner was zucchini pasta with a tomato-capsicum-nectarine-garlic-chilli sauce, and chard greens ripped up and thrown in!
My head feels so much better. I feel like I'm alive again. Functioning. Thinking straight. Smiling :)
Sitting here with tea and a few dates :) And all this has happened since breakfast. That's the beauty of raw foods. They are what they are and they will only do amazing things to our bodies, spirit, and souls.

So from here I want to continue this. I kinda feel like I'm back at square one. Getting fuel to my brain. Supplying nutrients to my cells. Fuel for my training. When I first went raw I was eating truckloads of fruit, and felt AMAZING! I wasn't interested in the gourmet-raw at all, and think I got into it when I first had problems in my relationship. Emotional eating I suppose, I don't really remember. Always a sweets fan though, I did enjoy the raw treats I made and bought. And I still do. But for now I'm just going to stick to fruit, greens and soft veggies. If I want a treat (let's say I manage to sneak a Saturday off work and duck over to Taylor Square Markets for the best raw desserts in Sydney...) I'll have one. But leave it at one. And have them rarely. I know how easily my body can become addicted to cacao as delicious as it is, it's not something I need to be eating everyday. I know it works wonders for some people, and as a transition food it's fantastic, but for my body right now, use sparingly! The same goes with nuts, oils and fats.

It's actually been quite interesting the past 24hrs how my body and my brain have responded to what I have decided to begin doing. I was planning another 3weeks on a diet consisting of 2 pieces of fruit a day, 2-4 cups of greens a day, 2 protein shakes... and with that I was drinking espressos! Now, let me explain... espresso, espresso, espresso... oooh I love how the word just rolls off the tongue! It is such a tough one for me, I'm not gonna lie. I've gone loooooooooong periods without it very easily. But I wasn't a barista for 8yrs just to earn money. And I didn't travel around  and live in Italy to meet a sexy bronzed man. I love coffee! Good coffee - I love the culture around it, I love the smell of it, you name it! But it's got to be amazing coffee or I wont touch it. Anyway... even though my love for it is so strong, I notice that I'll drink it day after day when I'm in a self-sabotage mood. How does that work? I don't know. Coz when I'm happy as larry, loving life, loving me, and feel like a coffee, I'll have one also! It's no biggie for me and I don't think "omg it's not raw" I couldn't care less and figure if I'm loving it that much in that moment, it couldn't possibly be doing me any harm. I'd sit and love every teeny sip of my espresso. Get a high and be one my way. And might have another one 3-4 months later... I'm getting off topic here... where was I... Yes! Planning my 3week restriction, which was to be followed by a week long juice fast, and then another month long cleanse. My god Christie!

But like I said, I've been very interested today in seeing how once I spoke to my partner last night (who knows me better than anyone, knows how to push my buttons, as well as reignite my flames that have been burnt out), and made the decision to stop being stupid, my body fell into place. It knew where it wanted to go. It was my head that got in the way. An all to common theme with me it seems. Head stuff = easy. Heart stuff = hard. And that's ok. I'm not perfect (although I have spent years trying to get there). My body was waiting patiently in the wings until my head came to it's senses, and reunited with my body. And my body knows exactly what it wants. Fruit fruit fruit. Greens. And a few veggies. The odd avocado or coconut. More at different times of the year, but right now not so much.

I feel tonnes better than I did last night when I was balling my eyes out in a state of confusion, worry, fear and disconnect. Today I also moved all my gear out of my mums home where I've been staying, and into my grandmothers house where I will be living on my own from now on. I am very excited and feel it will be a big turning point for me. With a fridge all to myself, 5kg of grapes, 13kg of bananas, and then some... it's the perfect time!

Here's to tomorrow!!
xxx

Sweet. Salty. Soft. Crunchy.

Sometimes, I find that emotional upsets can have a big effect on my eating - good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes I want to eat more, sometimes I want to eat nothing at all. Sometimes completely different foods. None of it is BAD, it's just reason to stop and think. Stop and feel. Take a minute out to breathe. Find out what's going on inside.


After a GREAT day at work, I let myself get beaten up by an email of unpleasant news and a quick work-related conversation that didn't end well either.

So this afternoons events impacted on my dinner. I was STARVING prior to dinner having not eaten alot during the day, however I couldn't be bothered eating. I didn't have the strength to think of what to make, what I felt like, and then MAKE IT!

However, I decided to S-L-O-W-L-Y conjur up enough strength to put something together, whether I then ate or not (it could've been tomorrow's lunch) and I was so glad I did.

Scottisk Kale greens thrown in my bowl with thin slices of beetroot and pumpkin, a little avocado I had, some parsley, and a handful of walnuts.
To dress it up... drizzles of olive oil and caramalised balsamic vinegar with a sprinkle of sea salt. Perfect complements and contrasts. Sweet. Salty. Soft. Crunchy. AMAZING! And with a small piece of my raw pizza bread on the side, I was feeling much better afterwards!



Feet up. Home alone. Master Chef on the box. This quick blog and now I'll hit the sack. Nothing like good healthy food (and a small bowl of ice cream), some no-brainer TV and an early night to soothe the soul :)

Only one piece of the puzzle

Last week I was praised by a personal trainer I met at the Women’s Health “Are You Game?” weekend. He asked what type of resistance and cardio I do as my muscle mass in relation to my weight was FANTASTIC (happily modest about that), my body’s hydration was GREAT, and my metabolism is the quickest it could ever be – for anyone.
“Keep doing what you’re doing!” he said. And I left rather happy with myself.

But later on as I reached for the tissue box to dry my runny nose, it made me think…

What about the rest of this human body I walk around in??

Physically I am in the best shape I’ve ever been in. But I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a FITNESS JUNKIE and I’m at the gym or training outside everyday. I LOVE it, but I also know that in the past I have put my health second to my fitness.

So as the weather is getting cooler down in the southern hemishere and my first RAW WINTER is approaching I’m starting to see how important it is to look after myself properly. Nutritionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I’m watching what I eat – making sure I get enough nutrients, vitamins and minerals by varying my diet and spicing it up a bit. Loads of TASTY FRUITS, plenty of brightly coloured VEGGIES and leafy GREENS. Lemons, limes, ginger, garlic and chilli, tumeric root. And trying my best to JUICE DAILY; it's like my multi vitamin pill :)

I’m drinking plenty of water (minimum 2L a day), and have at least one warm herbal tea each day. I like to mix it up a bit too; dandelion when my liver is feeling sluggish, peppermint when my tummy is sore, green for a pep up, nettle for flushing toxins, rooibos for digestion…

I make sure I get enough sleep, take my Naturopathic herbs, and on top of that I’m taking Pure Radiance Vitamin C powder. Vitamin C is one of the immune systems most POWERFUL weapons. 1-2 grams per day for cold prevention is good, but as I am already suffering I'm 'SATURATING' my body's tissues ensuring any virus wont survive and taking much more. Fortunatley Vitamin C is one of the least toxic substances known to humans and the only possible side effect is loose bowels!

But I do need to remember to continue with all my good work so I don't get caught up with my fitness-gym-junkie who can innocently sabotage my good health.

So, as the weather down under gets colder, have a look at what you're eating and drinking, how much physical activity you're doing and how much sleep you're getting. Be honest with yourself and see if any changes need to be made in the name of self love and looking after YOU.

Do what you Love. Love what you do.

Last night I went to Dr. John Demartini seminar on Reaching Your Goals and wanted to share one piece of valuable information with you that he spoke about;

Priorities.

And on opening my daily page of wisdom in my book Simple Abundance this morning to read the mesage for today, I was not surprised that it was titled "Reordering Your Priorities".

By acknowledging, recognising, and reordering our priorities so that they can give purpose to our days is a deeply personal task that we all need to do if we are to learn how to live by our own lights.

Delegating lower priorites so as to get on with our higher priorities will in turn allow us to focus on our higher values. And our heirachy of values dictate our destiny.

What is your Destiny?
What are your highest values?
What are your most important priorities?

Chunk it down. Work it backwards. We are all Masters of our own Destiny - not victims of our history as John Demartini put it.

Do what you love. And love what you do.