Distorted Eating

More often than not I struggle to find words to begin a new blog post; unless of course they're something like "I made the best cake ever!", or "New raw desserts in Sydney" etc... With such statements as those it's not difficult to begin and the ball just rolls on it's own accord. But when wanting to write about something a little more meaningful I always find it tough to start. Ironic kinda, as here is an entire paragraph already!

So I wanted to put my fingers to the keyboard mainly so my own sake, so I can get a feel for and sort-of map out where I wanna go from here.

As a nutritionist-in-training with a background in vegetarian, vegan, and raw live foods, I've always continued to up-grade my diet. It's like a hobby to me; I enjoy trying new things, seeing how my body responds, tweaking things along the way, all in an effort to feel, BE, and look my best. But in addition to these healthy habits of mine, comes a darker side and a history tainted with eating disorders.
I've come to notice that it doesn't seem all that unfamiliar in the raw food world either - to have a past with an eating disorder. Perhaps because in a distorted way a lot of us were initially striving for the best food our body could get, but in the process we got a little lost. Or maybe it's because on raw foods the restriction of every other food group is so severe, it's an easy excuse not to have to eat breads, pastas, meats, cheeses, dairy, cakes, biscuits, chocolates, rice... and everything else. There are possibly some people out there that fall into the latter, but my intuition tells me that if that's the case, they are few and far between. I think raw living foods for anyone with an eating disorder history is a blessing, for more reasons than I care to mention here.

So why all this talk about eating disorders? 

I've been very much in the head of my eating disorder lately. That might sound strange and a little hard to grasp for some, so let me explain a bit first.
Some people recover from an eating disorder. Some don't. And some might have to learn how to manage it if it hasn't completely left them, but they are wanting a better life. I'm in the third category. I learnt this years ago and have been doing my absolute best to manage my ED, much to my success. Until recently.

Everything in my life seemed to be crumbling around me, according to my over-reactive self that needs to have everything a particular way most of the time. I'm not being too harsh on myself here, neither am I being too easy. It's been a tough few months. And I began to notice that in a bid to regain some control when I felt like nothing was in my control; I turned to my food. And began controlling that. I had a crazy thought that if I could lose a few kilo's then everything would feel better (even tho a small voice in me was trying to yell "BULLSHIT!! IT NEVER WORKED BEFORE!!") But that's how I used to cope. Controlling my food and food intake felt really good as a teenager coz I got the result I wanted. And I felt in control. Calmer. But it's a vicious cycle as with trying to gain control through calorie restricting, one always ends up over-eating due to initial starvation, and then comes guilt, then restriction, then over-eating... the story goes on. So in an attempt to try and gain control, we only spiral further away from it. Go figure.

This week gone I felt like I was stuck in 2 places - one where I wanted to continue what I was trying to achieve by calorie restriction and not tell anyone because they would think I was stupid for wanting to lose weight as I don't need too... and the second place was me wanting to eat proper food and feel amazing again! That second voice was the real me. But as my head went from one to the other and back again within the space of minutes, it was very hard to decide whether or not I actually wanted to call a friend... Ok I do. No, no I don't anymore, I want to stay here and try to eat nothing. But I want to be vibrant and energetic... No I want to be skinny again, don't let anyone know!!

I was beating myself up because I felt like a failure for not following through with my restrictive plans, but feeling like more of a failure for not knowing how to help myself! Then thoughts of "How am I to help other people if I cant help myself??" The thoughts kept on coming. And all negative of course.
When I felt enough courage and strength within to ask my partner for help we began talking. He asked me "why can everybody else fail, but Christie can't?" And then told me to stop thinking about other people coz unless I sort myself out, I'll never be able to help anyone else.
We spoke for a while as I really needed to hear the cold hard facts and truth about what I need to eat because my brain was not functioning, I couldn't think, I felt like a little girl again needing someone to feed me because I couldn't make the decisions of what to eat for myself. I made a vow to myself that the following morning was going to be different.

That was this morning. I didn't get up at 5am for the gym, instead I slept in til 730am then went for a walk/run before coming home to stretch and make a big banana bowl. It was the first decent sized meal I'd had in a week. For the rest of today I ate green grapes and figs, keeping it really simple, and dinner was zucchini pasta with a tomato-capsicum-nectarine-garlic-chilli sauce, and chard greens ripped up and thrown in!
My head feels so much better. I feel like I'm alive again. Functioning. Thinking straight. Smiling :)
Sitting here with tea and a few dates :) And all this has happened since breakfast. That's the beauty of raw foods. They are what they are and they will only do amazing things to our bodies, spirit, and souls.

So from here I want to continue this. I kinda feel like I'm back at square one. Getting fuel to my brain. Supplying nutrients to my cells. Fuel for my training. When I first went raw I was eating truckloads of fruit, and felt AMAZING! I wasn't interested in the gourmet-raw at all, and think I got into it when I first had problems in my relationship. Emotional eating I suppose, I don't really remember. Always a sweets fan though, I did enjoy the raw treats I made and bought. And I still do. But for now I'm just going to stick to fruit, greens and soft veggies. If I want a treat (let's say I manage to sneak a Saturday off work and duck over to Taylor Square Markets for the best raw desserts in Sydney...) I'll have one. But leave it at one. And have them rarely. I know how easily my body can become addicted to cacao as delicious as it is, it's not something I need to be eating everyday. I know it works wonders for some people, and as a transition food it's fantastic, but for my body right now, use sparingly! The same goes with nuts, oils and fats.

It's actually been quite interesting the past 24hrs how my body and my brain have responded to what I have decided to begin doing. I was planning another 3weeks on a diet consisting of 2 pieces of fruit a day, 2-4 cups of greens a day, 2 protein shakes... and with that I was drinking espressos! Now, let me explain... espresso, espresso, espresso... oooh I love how the word just rolls off the tongue! It is such a tough one for me, I'm not gonna lie. I've gone loooooooooong periods without it very easily. But I wasn't a barista for 8yrs just to earn money. And I didn't travel around  and live in Italy to meet a sexy bronzed man. I love coffee! Good coffee - I love the culture around it, I love the smell of it, you name it! But it's got to be amazing coffee or I wont touch it. Anyway... even though my love for it is so strong, I notice that I'll drink it day after day when I'm in a self-sabotage mood. How does that work? I don't know. Coz when I'm happy as larry, loving life, loving me, and feel like a coffee, I'll have one also! It's no biggie for me and I don't think "omg it's not raw" I couldn't care less and figure if I'm loving it that much in that moment, it couldn't possibly be doing me any harm. I'd sit and love every teeny sip of my espresso. Get a high and be one my way. And might have another one 3-4 months later... I'm getting off topic here... where was I... Yes! Planning my 3week restriction, which was to be followed by a week long juice fast, and then another month long cleanse. My god Christie!

But like I said, I've been very interested today in seeing how once I spoke to my partner last night (who knows me better than anyone, knows how to push my buttons, as well as reignite my flames that have been burnt out), and made the decision to stop being stupid, my body fell into place. It knew where it wanted to go. It was my head that got in the way. An all to common theme with me it seems. Head stuff = easy. Heart stuff = hard. And that's ok. I'm not perfect (although I have spent years trying to get there). My body was waiting patiently in the wings until my head came to it's senses, and reunited with my body. And my body knows exactly what it wants. Fruit fruit fruit. Greens. And a few veggies. The odd avocado or coconut. More at different times of the year, but right now not so much.

I feel tonnes better than I did last night when I was balling my eyes out in a state of confusion, worry, fear and disconnect. Today I also moved all my gear out of my mums home where I've been staying, and into my grandmothers house where I will be living on my own from now on. I am very excited and feel it will be a big turning point for me. With a fridge all to myself, 5kg of grapes, 13kg of bananas, and then some... it's the perfect time!

Here's to tomorrow!!
xxx

Love Life Raw & Organic

Ok so it's a(nother) miserably cold rainy day for the first week of "Summer" (pfft; I'll believe it when I see it yeh) in Sydney; but a perfect day to be at home in my trakkie-daks to finally knuckle down with some study (and blogging) !!

Last week I told you guys I had ordered a days worth of organic juices from a place in Sydney, purely for curiosity sake as to what it was all about as I have seen a rise in 'juice-cleanses' and such around town with everyone jumping on the detox-bandwagon. I make my own juices usually and I've never actually done the whole get-a-juice-cleanse-delivered-to-your-door-thing, so was keen to give it a go. Only because I stumbled across one place that does 100% organic juice.



The company I ordered from is O-Zone and they are in Mosman, Sydney. I chose their 'Pure Cleanse' because of the juices (not smoothies) and price (mid-range), but they offer 3 different types of cleanses. Luckily I don't work too far from there so delivery was free and came nice and early (you can specify as to when you'd like delivery) to work on Wednesday morning; I was giddy like a little kid in a lolly shop with excitement!
I got my very own little green cooler bag filled with 4x 500ml organic juices, 2 organic coconut waters, 2 loose-leaf herbal tea sacks (yep, these are way cooler than tea bags folks), and a noni/aloe/filtered water mix to start my day. I wasn't particularly keen on how that would taste not being either a noni or aloe fan, but I was pleasantly surprised... for half the bottle... then the rest just got necked back!
 

Happiest little bee at 730am on a Wednesday...

BUT... (and no, there is not always a but) as an unfortunate series of events unfolded that day (and unexpected excrutiating period pain that was close to debilitating), I kept on with my juices (herbal teas, essential oils, tissue salts, visualisations, you name it!) but had a few medjool dates mid morning, and a couple more later on. I had bad news call me, then couldn't get out of babysitting that evening, but the adorable family I sit for bought me the latest Wellbeing and Yoga Journal magazines to read whilst dying on their lounge, and their beautiful girl made me a drawing and a card. Awww. I was very touched by their kindness.



So anyway, the juice day would have been totally wonderful if not the few thing that kinda shook me up, but I was very impressed and happy with the service, juices, quantities and price!

Today I actually wanted to write all about Gabriel Cousins lecture in Sydney last Sunday... but I'm going to save that for a few days coz I really want to get a few things off my chest here and would love your feedback.
So fair warning here I can be a bit of a rambler - but it seems that no matter if (to me) my ramblings seem a little disjointed and all over the shop - they seem to resonate well with others (maybe we all have a little scatter-brain inside) so allow me to ramble...

Only this morning someone very close to me said "I think you're really stressed" - and followed it with "I don't think you're breathing" -
two very strong yet gentle pieces of prose. And only in hearing such did I stop to think maybe they were spot on.
Ok I know I've got alot on my plate at the moment juggling extra work shifts, trying desperately to fit my studies in which always seem to get pushed aside, and on top of that my personal studies (college work aside) to research and follow up on things that get my insides bubbling with excitement!! Then there's my training that I love and go mad without, helping mum out with her yoga assessments playing guinea pig, taking orders and making xmas cakes, blogging, and only recently remembering I need to fit in my prac hours for college too somewhere! Ontop of worrying and dashing to and from the hospital for an ill family member, which I've been very lucky to have never experienced before, but it really takes it's toll on you. Like now. It's the one day I can study this week. Every other day is a right off with work, appointments, making cakes, work again, a xmas do I need to make more food for, then work again... and I get a call that maybe I should go to the hospital coz it's not looking so good... But it wasn't looking good 3 days ago when we were there all afternoon and evening... but it was great yesterday. It's up and down. I have faith. But at the same time I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to sound like a whinging bitch with "too much on" to see a sick loved one. But when I get to the point where one mention of a change in plans brings me to tears and in a panic, something's gotta give or I'll break! I've got to say no to something but from my vision it appears I cant say no to any of it just yet - it's all as important. If anything, my study is what always gets the "no", but I love it so not doing it plays on my mind in terms of falling behind, but also because it gives me great joy that I keep missing out on. When it's me and my books, the words, (the laptop,) reading, writing, learning, and getting so excited by new things I discover!! It's when I don't have the time to do that, everything seems hard, and tough, and not so fun, and long, and never ending - "where's my study day?"

"Just make sure you're eating right and getting enough sleep" was advice from the man I love, and it's probably very good advice. What else can you do? I'm the first to suggest to others that maybe they are doing too much; particularly easy to see when one's health is suffering. But it's almost as if until there are true physical signs of deteriorating health, we don't do or change anything! "It wont happen to me" mentality. And for the most part, that's not me at all. I'm very good with my health. I can honestly and easily say it's one of my top values. But it's the stress-side of things that I'm still trying to learn about and understand. At one point I sincerely thought I had never experienced stress in my life. Only later I came to realise I had more than likely lived with it everyday of my life from about age 7, only a much milder version that I was completely unaware of. But long term milder stress is no way better than short term chronic stress.

So that;s my rambling... now I'll get into my study and pump out as much as I can with a smile on my face, and decide about the hospital later. I wouldn't be going right this minute anyways, so why think and worry about it now?

If you have any hints, tips, suggestions, things that work for you, stories of your own, please share as I would love to hear them. Thanks for listening to my ramblings :) I'll write up about Gabriel Cousins later this week if I can find the time to do so. It was an amazing talk overflowing with valuable information I cannot wait to share with you guys!

I think too much

Well I was gonna do a post on the dreaded C word -

I’ve read a lot about it in the past. In text books, magazines and online blogs. I've watched videos and documentaries, heard it thrown around conversation at college and at work, even at home. It's something that not alot of people would associate with a raw food diet ...

So it might come as a surprise to you that I have infact been living with Candida this past week. Yep! The big bad C-word noone likes to talk about. Which is kinda funny as I think 9 out of 10 females have had it at some point – if not regularly, and I don’t think I’ve ever read a blog post from someone saying “I’m suffering right now!” so here you go!

Whilst I was away in Cairns I was eating loads of fruit and not nearly as many greens, I was also drinking delicious espressos which I don’t normally do, and munching on some amazing handmade vegan dark chocolates -  more sugar.
Nikki’s house mate Chris was suffering from cold and flu symptoms whilst I was staying with them, so when I began sniffling, and coughing and getting headaches I figured I had just caught something from him…

Until I returned home and had SEVERE sugar cravings! Not just the “oh I feel like something sweet” (for me – that means a date or two stuffed with coconut oil)… it was more like “god damn it give me all the sweets available to man kind right now!!” I’d get out of bed and just want sugar; fruit and more fruit for brekkie followed by a dozen dates or so and then raw choccie, wanting even more… which is no problem for some people but knowing I don’t usually eat and crave that much sugar rings alarm bells.

And then there came the dreaded itching - you know what I mean girls. I had enough symptoms by now. So one morning whilst doing a few things online I decided to Google “candida diet” to see if anything showed up that I wasn’t already aware of… did you a blocked nose and headaches are also signs of Candida! I had no idea. I put those down to my “cold/flu/thing”…
Now I’m left wondering if I ever had a cold-flu-thingy? Was it just Candida all along?

It’s hard to say as for the past 4 days I’ve had splitting headaches come and go – a symptom of the flu, but also a symptom of candida. Hmmm… and what I'm hoping was the grand finale, last night I was HIT HARD with by far the WORST MIGRANE I have ever suffered in my life! And I've had a few. This was 100x the worst no exaggeration. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I had never actually been sick from a migrane but last night I was in and out of bed running to the porcelain bowl 6 or 7 times which only made trying to sleep even harder.

It's in my nature to try and work everything out and why things might be showing up the way they do; I like nutting it all out like a human puzzle, but one thing after the other lately has been driving me bonkas trying to understand!

What the f*#k is going on? 


So the twist...I began this blog a couple of days ago and wrote out my list of things to help with yeast infections and candida… but it doesn’t feel right to roll out that list now. I’m feeling more a pull to write about how I'm feeling right now. And looking after myself. Holistically. I’ve come to realize that I’m forever striving for PERFECT HEALTH. Not such a bad goal in reality – but I think my end goal in getting to such a destination is preventing me from enjoying the JOURNEY along the way.
I love my work, my studies, my blogging, my exercise, my kitchen fun… I'm doing, and doing and doing and feel (it’s all perspective right?) that I don’t often have time to just chill out. On the odd morning where I can actually have a sleep in, I still decide to bound out of bed to do yoga or go to the markets early. Clean the house or just get going! I'm a morning person and don't like lying in bed (much to the dislike of my partner on that odd day we do get a lie in together). When I’m given opportunities of rest I don’t take them. I know this. I've never taken the opportunities and usually suffer because of it.

Admitting there's a problem is the first step to recovery though!

Life always throws me something like a migrane when I literally have to rest (and desperatly need mind-rest) – no if's or but's (last year I suffered a pinched sciatic nerve after over-training and was on a walking stick!! Try working with that - I had too). I can’t even lie in down and read today. I've just gotta lie. I’m on the couch right now and have been snacking of red grapes, apples, and nuts which I'm happy to have kept down. My tummy is starving but my head is saying no to everything. Wanting all available energy to do the healings up top no doubt. Good body :) I've been watching day time TV (ie. no brain function needed) all day and now slowly slowly typing this up.

It's clear to me I needed rest but after a week in Cairns (rest capital) I had to wonder if it wasn't something else. Maybe it was? Maybe it wasn't? Who knows? Who will ever? Who cares? Noone but me obviously. It is what it is. Acceptance. Maybe now it will go...

So in all my ramlings and around-about-way at looking at things... I hear the old cliches in my head -

Life's a journey; it's not so much about the destination. I think of rushing to get somewhere to find out it's not what you expected and you've missed everything on the way. I'm a pretty darn healthy chic, I've just gotta believe it more. Be grateful for where I am and my health more and things flow. I know. I've been there. But it;s easy to get caught up in the yuckiness thinking everything could be better... only to later realise that's exactly when things started going down hill...

Food for thought...

as the afternoon sun is beginning to rear its head :)